If there ever was a time for us to listen, it is now. If ever there was a time for empathy, it is today. The grief, anguish, anger and accelerated change we are experiencing in and outside the workplace calls on leaders to connect emotionally. Whether we are alike or different in our gender, racial identity or perceptions, listening empathetically communicates that we care to understand. It also is key for bridging gaps and creating trust.
Empathic listening is an essential coaching tool. When we coach, we provide a mirror of others’ emotions, beliefs and perceptions. Others see and hear themselves anew and these provide the clarity and motivation to move forward. Our empathy is without judgment and the connection creates a safe place to explore.
How do we define empathy? Empathy is demonstrating that we care and understand what someone (or a group) is feeling inside or how they are seeing the world. You can express empathy in different ways, accessing different parts of your brain. Neuroscience and various studies distinguish between different components of empathy:
- Empathetic Concern is the expression of compassion for the other person. We care and feel for the other person.
- Perspective Taking uses our “cognitive” brain as we infer how others are feeling as a way to identify and understand other’s feelings.
It turns out, however, that it’s usually not enough to imagine what the person is feeling or to just feel it, we need to express what we are hearing. We call that empathetic paraphrasing. Studies show that when leaders engage in reflecting back the emotions they hear, others actually see the leader as more empathetic. Further an abundance of studies confirm that empathetic listening by leaders results in positive outcomes on employee engagement, performance and retention.
EMPATHETIC LISTENING IN THIS MOMENT
- Stay Tuned Into You: Right now, our emotions are up and down and each day brings new challenges in business and life. Lead and listen with your head and their heart to the whole person. When you pay attention to what you see (body position), hear (tone) and feel (impact and heart) empathetic listening is possible. So much of what others are feeling is nonverbal and although we don’t always know what it means to them, connecting inside of us and demonstrating that we are paying attention makes a difference.
- Empathetic focus in every Conversation: Emotions are present in almost every topic at work, especially now. Everyone is struggling with the swirl of uncertainty and deep personal feelings about justice and race. Find a way to listen and reflect back what you think the person is feeling about the topic (positive or negative). Find the words, metaphors or associations that seem to capture it. Be tentative: It sounds like…It seems like…I get the sense……I get the picture of…. Don’t worry if you are not accurate—they will correct you and then you can move on, together.
- Be curious and open: You may feel like you do not have a clue about what it feels like to experience racism, sexism, or have a loved one die of COVID. Are you willing to learn? Discover and be curious about others. Phrases like: If you are willing, I would like to learn more about what that was like for you. What’s the best way for me to learn about your experience? Then listen. Without judgment.
- Ask others to “take perspectives” of different points of view in team conversations. Imagine for a moment, they are another person in that situation! Create a workplace where empathetic listening does not only create a safe place to be different, but it also promotes collaboration and conflict resolution.
Foster an empathy mindset in your workplace. Believe that personal empathy can be developed and enhanced by learning to coach and expanding greater empathic interactions with others. Anyone can learn to listen empathically, it’s a skill set that spans situations and relationships. Our lives are filled with opportunities to practice every day.
